No, not my taxes this year .....
just the emotions of everything.
Last week when Hannah & I were in the hospital for her transfusions it just about put me over the edge. Can you imagine after all that time we spent in the hospital that one night back would be enough to make me feel like I might go into a dark depression? Really. Being there, hearing so many babies crying (one was exactly Lily's age) & seeing Daniel so sick made me so weepy. I couldn't even hold back my tears as I chatted with Daniel that night.
This week, when we went to the clinic it was supposed to be a super quick visit: access port, take blood samples, de-access port & exit building. We weren't even going to wait for the blood results!! That kind of an easy-breezy-visit just didn't happen. It was truly one of the worst clinic visits we have ever had. Hannah was so terribly upset by what went on at the clinic. It just broke my heart into a million pieces in that treatment room to see her suffering. She is just a normal kid - why does a 1.25" needle need to get stuck into her chest 3 times in one clinic visit? WHY?? It was too much to take. Too much. Too much. Too much. On top of the bad clinic visit I had received terrible news on the drive to the clinic. Our friend from the hospital, Jacob (age 6), was re-diagnosed with Leukemia & he is now on track for a bone marrow transplant, pending a donor.
On the drive home I just felt like: I am d-o-n-e. Can I please just get back to my regularly scheduled program of L-I-F-E???
Despite my lack of understanding, I know that the life I am living IS exactly the life that God has "regularly scheduled" for me. This isn't some accidental detour of my life. This life I am living, what seems like a nightmare, IS exactly HIS PLAN. Sometimes I just don't want anything to do with this plan.....His plan. I just want my plan. Selfishly, I'd prefer a pain-free life-plan. God's love is great & He hasn't for one second forgotten about the pain. He hasn't let Hannah's life out of His precious pierced hands. He cares for her more deeply than I can ever care for her. He thinks of Daniel all day long. He thinks of Chance all day long. He loves Jacob like crazy & thinks of him all the day long. His desire is for each of us to know His tremendous love. Despite the tremendous pain, I am learning to trust in the Lord as I walk this road. This road that is truly too much for me. But this road, the road each of us walk, is not for one second too much for Him.
The same God that raised Jesus from the dead is at work in Hannah's little bone marrow. Thank you for the encouraging white blood cell count this week of 2.5!!!!! As Hannah says, "My bone marrow did it! My bone marrow did it!" Thank you, Lord!! I trust You. I don't understand this plan but I trust You on this painful & exhausting road.
"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, And I am saved from my enemies." Psalm 182:2-3
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Too Much For Me
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4 comments:
Debbie,
As I was reading your post, the words from Carrie Underwood's song, "Jesus take the Wheel" were playing in my head.... It is so clear that God has you in a place where you are depending on Him. And, He also has you in a place where you are being the hands and feet of Jesus to others, like Daniel! You and your family are making a difference in this turbulent world. You are showing that your faith is your rock. And, it is in that where you are putting your trust! I loved your Easter message. Thank you for glorifying God in all you do!
Blessings & a great big Hug to you!
Diana
My prayers for you that you will find the peace that surpasses all understanding during this journey called life & the strength to carry on when your just so sick of all the ports, needles, hospitals and sadness.
hugs for a bright today.
Oh Debbie - I hope you get many chances to TALK with moms who get it! Avi's therapist spends lots of time reminding me about all of the secondary effects on parents and I'm finally listening! Trying to put a couple of plans in place to help a bit....praying you'll find rest when you need it and that you feel Him carrying you!
Strangely enough...I've been feeling the same way. Yesterday I felt a wave of depression and anxiety overtake me due to my current situation being "too much to bear."
Reading this post was extremely theraputic. I don't feel so alone. I'm reminded of how human we are, and how divine God is.
I could use some extra prayers myself! Thanks for sharing and God bless!
Love from Maryland,
Beth
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